Friday, January 17, 2014

An open letter from Rachel's car

Hey guys,

Rachel's car here.  Red Raider is my name and commuting is my game.


I feel like I need someone to talk to. Do you fellow cars ever feel like your owner is so completely spazzy that it's almost too much to handle?

Yeah, that's been my experience the past week. Listen to all this:

Firstly, on Sunday morning Rachel was backing out of Kim's driveway and I was loaded down with passengers. They were all going to breakfast and she offered to drive since I happened to be blocking everyone else in with my beautiful rear end. Well, she got me to the end of the driveway and wooooooosh...she backed me right into the deep snow near the giant ditch. And I was stuck! Oh, the agony of spinning wheels!

It took my buddy the mini van, a tow cable, lots of kitty litter and three people pushing to rescue me. I'd say breakfast was earned that morning. (Not by Rachel...she should have had to starve after what she did to me!)

Next, on Monday, the day after my near-ditch experience, she was getting into my passenger seat and bashed the side of her forehead right on my roof. She claims she 'slipped on the ice', but I think it was the margarita she had with dinner that did it. I hope that bitch's bruise gets bluer each day. Good thing I'm tough and she has such a soft head.

I'm not even done. Yes, there is more abuse to document! On Wednesday night she started backing out of the driveway and ran the garbage can right over! My poor friend. The best thing is, she did all of these things in front of that husband of hers. I'm glad he's making fun of her for me, cause she deserves all the mocking she can get!

Needless to say, after all of that I'm scared to let her come near me! Can someone come rescue me? Or at least call CPS (Car Protective Services)? HELP!


The Red Raider (aka the Pontiac Vibe aka The Vibe-Raider)


  1. Hehe, The Vibe-Raider.

    I think your car would have been great friends with my car, Greta Von Jetta. They could have complained about us together! Poor gal went from a quiet life living in driveways in Ohio and Michigan to the mean streets of Chicago, with an owner who didn't even know how to parallel park right away! She lost a couple mirrors from other cars driving by and clipping her, the VW logo got knocked out of her grill by a flying piece of plywood on the highway, she was hit by another parked car while innocently hanging out on the street once, and got keyed and scratched like crazy. Once she did get mad and hit me in the face with her door, though Greta claimed it was just the wind.

    1. Greta Von Jetta! That is the best name ever! Sounds like she needed to be rescued as well!

    2. The City of Chicago is where cars go to die slow, horrible deaths. Thankfully Greta escaped and will be living out the rest of her days in Ohio.

  2. LOL, that is awesome!! I've had those weeks before, when I think man is i really safe for me to drive. Hope your luck turns around.

  3. Poor Vibe-Raider. You're such a jerk, Rachel. ;)

  4. When I first met you, I didn't think you were a car abuser, but now I know. Red Raider and my piece of shit (Hamster) should commiserate. Oh, if Hamster's wheels could talk...

  5. Heh heh heh, Red Raider, the last time I saw you, I think YOU were giving Rachel some issues, so cut her a bit of slack! She is doing the best she can. Although, I had to laugh at all three of those instances. I hope the bruise is gone and any headache from it was not horrible!


That's what she said...